Why is avoiding conflict bad

This fear may happen if a child grows up in a family environment that is hypercritical, dismissive, or abusive. Such a child might grow up to expect negative outcomes from conflict. This can cause them to withdraw from confrontation in their adult lives for fear of the same dismissive or critical reactions they were exposed to in their family environment.

If this sounds like you, then you may find speaking your mind and asserting yourself to be unnerving, scary, or extremely stressful. You may change the subject every time your partner brings up a contentious topic. If a child is controlled, engulfed, or dismissed in their family environment, they may develop conflict avoidant and secretive behaviors and thoughts in order to maintain a sense of safety and security.

This is part of avoidant relationship attachment. If you have a tendency to attach in your relationships by avoiding confrontation and connection, or are prone to secrets, you may have some avoidant tendencies you learned in childhood. Your wounded inner child or teenager who remembers the past painful outcomes of confrontation all too vividly may cause you to resort to your learned survival patterns whenever you experience conflict in adulthood.

It is a way to maintain a sense of safety. To avoid hurting yourself. The exact nature of these patterns will depend on your unique circumstances. Withdrawing and shying away from confrontation is a common one. They share their grievances openly with everyone—that is, everyone except the other party to the conflict.

Extroverts can be flighters, too. Eager for approval and fearful of angering or disappointing others, they refuse to stand up for themselves and may be too easily cowed. According to Stuart Hearn, CEO of Clear Review, a London-based continuous performance management firm, there are three primary ways that conflict avoidance manifests itself in the workplace :.

Hearn sees conflict avoidance as a performance management issue that can make bad situations worse. He believes that the best way to address conflict avoidance is by creating a culture where employees feel valued and listened to. Before offering feedback, be sure you've considered all sides," Peterson said. It may be particularly difficult for flighters to address conflicts directly with their managers. While working at a publications company, Karen Dillon became angry when one of her top employees informed her that she probably wouldn't be able to meet a critical deadline.

Caught by surprise, Dillon "lost her cool" and started yelling at the employee. For the next few days, her employee avoided her, and the tension between them escalated. When Dillon finally calmed down and was able to think more clearly about the situation, she acknowledged that she probably overreacted. However, she also faults the employee for making the situation worse by running away from the problem. Given their aversion to conflict, this may be asking a lot of flighters.

Here's how:. When the flighter is a manager or leader, HR may need to intervene directly by providing advice and information, or help them find a suitable colleague, senior leader or executive coach to work with them on their leadership skills.

It just means that they will need additional training and support in this area. HR practitioners who develop and hone their own conflict resolution skills are likely to have a better understanding of, and be more adept at, helping others resolve conflicts as well.

Arnie Aronoff, an organizational development consultant in Chicago, uses the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument to help individuals become aware of the extent of their conflict avoidance. In Aronoff's experience, role-playing and mock simulation conflict scenarios can also help HR professionals develop better conflict resolution skills.

He recommends starting small by addressing a conflict with someone that you have a good relationship with, so that the experience will be less threatening. Then create a script, an actual text, that you can rely on when initiating a difficult conversation. Baynton uses "shuttle diplomacy" to de-escalate workplace hostilities and find solutions that address everyone's needs. In shuttle diplomacy, a facilitator meets individually with each party to give them an opportunity to voice their needs and concerns and come up with viable solutions.

During that process, it becomes incumbent upon the facilitator to ferret out any hidden needs that may be standing in the way of a successful resolution. This was Cohen's go-to strategy when a small bank retained him as an outside HR consultant to resolve a dispute between three of its tellers. Two of the tellers had been complaining bitterly about the third teller, a young woman with a hacking smoker's cough that they described as "disgusting and offensive.

Separate interviews with each complainant revealed that, in addition to their co-worker's hacking cough, they were turned off by her bad attitude.

When asked to recommend possible solutions, they suggested that the company convince her to wear a nicotine patch, find her a different job or fire her. She knew that her co-workers were annoyed by her coughing but saw that as their problem, not hers. Her "solution" was to threaten to sue the bank for discrimination under the Americans with Disabilities Act ADA if they tried to fire her. Although the ADA does not classify tobacco addiction as a disability, Cohen didn't debate the legalities with her.

Instead, he focused on learning about her life outside the bank: The job turned out to be a means to an end for her. She said that she was going to college at night and studying to become an accountant and living in her parents' basement to save money.

After hearing the offer, her attitude improved dramatically. She left the bank a short time later with no hard feelings and no further threats of lawsuits. There are steps that you can take to be a better leader, even if conflict avoidance is a big part of your personality. Consider the following:.

Indeed, it is a leader's job to address issues as they arise. If we choose to avoid conflict at any price, the price may be far greater than we are willing to pay. The impact of conflict avoidance can ripple throughout the organization and cripple the future growth and success of the business. So, embrace conflict resolution. After all, conflict can be very healthy, too. It is often how we get the best answers to the toughest questions. Top Stories.

Top Videos. Communications Become Strained: A conflict that goes unresolved will only fester and cause communication breakdowns to develop within the work unit. Teamwork Diminishes: As communications become strained within a team, cooperation and teamwork will lessen and animosity will build.

Productivity Suffers: You just get more done when you work together.